fifteen minutes ago i spent about half an hour crouching down in the shower with a blade to my wrist, simultaneously willing myself to move it and keep it still.
this is not how i wanted to turn out. this is not where i thought i was heading.
hello. today started out like a really nice day but it went sour somewhere and i haven’t quite figured it out but i’m gonna talk about it anyway.
i woke up really early - like nine in the morning early - but i felt like it was okay because it meant i could get a lot done. i laid in bed for about thirty minutes admiring the natural light from my window and thinking of what i wanted to do. when i got up i found out there was coffee, coffee !!!!!!, for the first time in like a month, so i got some and i was really happy. i got on tumblr and after catching up for a while i decided i felt like doing art. i lit some incense and made a whole 200+ song playlist on spotify and got all my art stuff out onto my bed and went for it.
i don’t know what happened. somewhere along the way the incense stopped burning right in the middle of the stick, coloring wasn’t nearly as fun as it was five minutes ago, the music was heartbreaking instead of inspiring, tumblr was boring, the natural light was taunting, and i felt awful. i just felt awful.
after acknowledging that it’d washed over me, which happens sometimes, i cleared all the art stuff off my bed. having set it aside was just more depressing, because i’d look at it and think of how wrong things went so quickly. it’s all in reach but not in sight, in case things lighten up, but also incase they don’t.
i’ve tried to light two more incense, and no matter what i do or how many times i light them, they die out shortly down the stick. i guess they expired of something, but all i can think is that it’s my luck and i don’t deserve the little things today.
i just sort of mozied around on tumblr, watch the breakfast club, did more tumblr, and tried to stay calm and not get worked up at myself for being this way. i just keep telling myself, hey, it happens, and trying to leave it at that.
i was trying to start watching final destination, but i just couldn’t keep myself in it. my attention span reached about zero as soon as i started it. it seems like a good movie, but after two or three scenes i found myself elsewhere. the same way with tumblr - a few pages of posts and i was gone. i tried to take a nap, but i keep thinking too much to fall asleep, so i decided to take a walk.
there’s a lake at the back of my complex, and i find myself there a lot if i go out to wander aimlessly. it’s a really pretty setting, especially in the evening when the sun is about to go down. there’s a small rock path that’s actually full of broken seashells, and i was walking down it in the opposite direction than i normally do. i found a really pretty shell, and i was admiring it when i looked up and realized the path led right into a fence. literally all i could think was how typical it was for something to lead to nothing.
i did some more walking, texted a friend and sat in my calm spot that i designated a few years ago on a similar walk. it’s behind a building right on the edge of the complex with a nice view of some trees. after sitting there a while i headed home and got more coffee and plopped into bed. and then the urge to burn myself hit. so i did. and then the urge to type this up hit. so i’m typing it.
i don’t know what’s wrong lately. i’ve had more bad days than usual for a while, and i’m self harming again. my eating is also off, which happens kind of often, but it hasn’t been very long since the last time it was off, and i’m a bit worried. i’ve lost of my appetite almost completely. my parents noticed today i hadn’t eaten anything, and i felt a small pang of happiness that they saw, because through the months i hadn’t eaten anything two years ago, they hadn’t.
my stomach is growling and my wrist hurts but i’m trying to be okay. i’m trying really hard. i’ve got a thing with this guy, and it’s actually pretty swell, so i’m a bit irritated at myself for being so fucked up, and for being so fucked up right now.
i’m so self-aware and self-conscious that i’m full of self-hate, and it’s getting annoying.
i don’t even actually know how to describe how i’m feeling these days. i’m at a complete loss to try and convey my emotions and thoughts into words for other people to even attempt to understand them. it’s making me more and more sad the harder it gets.
there are a few thoughts i’ve been thinking lately so i’d like to get them down and out if you know what i mean. i may make a post about my very nice weekend in a little while, because it was actually very nice.
i just want to improve my living situation but i literally have no power to do so. i could get a job, but it might actually make it worse. i can’t have a pet, a companion. my room is hard to maintain because i have too many things and too little places to put them. school if awful, and there’s still four weeks of it left. no one ever wants to just hang out, and though i like to be alone sometimes, i never have the option to do otherwise. i just feel very trapped. i get the taste of freedom here and there venturing out to other people’s traps, and i come back to mine and it all sinks in how i really feel. it’s not very nice at all.
sometimes i actually want to beat the shit out of people. like. i literally want to punch people and make them bruise and weep, because i just get so intolerant, so impatient, so angry. and like, i obviously don’t, but i want to. and i don’t want to be that way. i don’t want to constantly want to be so violent. i just am. it’s fucking irritating.
i hate feeling trapped, trapped, trapped. but i always feel this way. it’s awful.
helllo; i know i haven’t posted in a while, but nothing has really happened. however, i have been doing quite a lot of thinking, i told myself i was making this little personal blog into my mental space, because i don’t really have one besides it, and it should be therapeutic in it’s own way. so i decided to come make a post since my mind is feeling overly cluttered and i’d like to clear it out a little if i can. i’ve decided to switch out people’s names in case any of them see this, or anyone who knows them see it, because, well, it’s just embarrassing on my part, really.
so i’m reading a really wonderful book called Miss Harper Can Do It. it’s by Jane Berentson, and i’m a little over halfway through it at the moment. really, it’s fabulous, i highly suggest it.
whenever i’m reading a book, especially novels, i always seem to sort of..assess myself. since i’ve been doing that a whole lot lately anyway, it’s sort of like tenfold right now. i’ll be lost in the story and suddenly a paragraph or chapter ends and i’m falling into my own life. sometimes in relation to the book, or like now, just the whole of things that are happening.
i’m constantly filtering through my mind and looking back on past relationships. platonic and romantic. i think back to my first girlfriend, Annie, who sexually assaulted me. i think of how good of friends we were, how happy we were, how naive. Annie’s long blonde hair and pretty blue eyes, her chubby cheeks and chubby legs. it’s funny to think back to our nine year old selves being sexual. it’s actually really disgusting, and not funny at all. but i try to laugh about it now, because, i mean, it’s done, right? right. i wonder if she thinks about me, too. if she remembers me at all. if she remembers how ignorant we were, how blissful that ignorance was. we were pretty young, and it was pretty insignificant. i think about how no one knew. no one but us. i think of the time she spilled nailpolish and i got really upset because it was black and she was really unconcerned. “Annie, this is going to stain, could you be a little more serious? God.” she got really hurt, and stormed out. i followed her, of course, my precious lady, and apologized for being cold. she apologized for spilling the nailpolish. i’m relatively sure the stain still remains.
my first boyfriend, Nick, i never actually met. i forget how old i was, but i know i was young. i don’t think i’d hit middle school yet. actually, i’m positive of this. anyway. my sister was dating this guy, and Nick was his little brother’s friend. we talked on the phone all the time, and eventually started dating, despite not having met. and it was weird, you know, because looking back, we acted so grown up all the time. he didn’t actually live that far; just in the next county, but for obvious reasons (we were like, ten) we couldn’t just make visits. i remember us saying how much we wished we could have cars and drive and go places. it’s funny because i still do that now. i remember him constantly making fun of me for being two months younger than him, you know, the way kids do. i remember him telling me he was going to get a watch for me for my birthday, because he liked watches, and wanted to get me something he liked because he liked me too. i remember him calling me, a full two years or so later, and i was struck with nostalgia. “Nick?” “Yeah. You know any other Nicks?” his name was actually really unique. “What’s up?” he said, casually, like we talked the day before. he sounded very old to me. you could tell he’d hit puberty, probably grown a foot tall. we talked again for a few months, sparsely, and faded out again.
i remember Peter, who i’m still friends with, who is still one of the sweetest people i’ve ever met. who i’ve still not met in person. and Charlie, who i went to school with, and still know, and still have added on facebook. but i wouldn’t call us friends.
and Timmy, who i’ve also still not met in person, who i’m also still friends with, who caused me worlds of heartache. he was the light of my life. everyday was Timmy day. he had a hard life. Timmy is more of a Tiana now, so we’ll switch to that, even though i didn’t know it then, and neither did she. Tiana cheated on me with Sarah, and chose Sarah over me when the time came. it was okay for a while. i forgave them both and we moved on. i went with Peter and Mike and Barbara and she went with Sarah and Mike and various other people. we were still best friends. there was a time where we sort of got back together, where we were both single and in love with each other and didn’t even worry about commitment enough to make it official. the distance was killer, but our sort of “reunion” happened after it got better. i still hope we can meet someday, and i can hug her, and hold her face and look her in the eyes and tell her how much i still love her and think of her all the time, and how much i care about her, and how much i wish i could have been there in person those five or six years ago to protect her when her father came after her, or hold her hand in the hospital, or comfort her through the awful retorts of school children. i’d hold her face and look her straight in the eyes and tell her “thank you, thank you, thank you,” for all the times her words were the only words i needed to hear, and did hear.
i think lovingly of Luke, who i dumped after four days of officialness, because i felt like i couldn’t hold conversations with him due to his being ignorant of just about everything, despite how sweet and loving he was. i think of Mark the tall pale and perfect, who just doesn’t “love [me] like [i] love [him],” of Derek, who just “hate[s] everything about [me].” and you know, i think “whatever. it’s in the past.” except not really, because i’m always thinking about it, always critizing myself and everything i did, and everything i did that probably resulting in harsh thoughts and feelings towards me, of how much “you hate me because i hate myself,” of how i’m still so similar now to who i was then. how i wish i wasn’t. of how much time has changed, and sat here, festering. not really changed at all, just aged, and faux prepped.
and i feel a little guilty, looking back on all my past relationships. analyzing them like i do. i’m constantly saying “what’s in the past is in the past, so we should be looking to the present and future” because it’s supposed to be emotionally comforting. but it’s not true - well, it’s true, we SHOULD - but i never actually do this myself. i literally live in the past every second of my present. i constantly think about Annie’s laugh, and Nick’s voices, or . and why? why do i? i don’t know. it’s kind of pathetic.
i feel so overdramatic all the time. like, i’ll feel really intensely over something, and i look at myself, ever-so self aware, and think “should i really be feeling this? should i be feeling just this strongly about something that actually might be really unimportant?” and even when i find myself saying “well, no. you’re definitely over-reacting.” i still feel the same. i’m still over-reacting, even as i’m telling myself i’m doing so. why is it so hard to calm the fuck down?
i’m so sad. i’m so sad. i’m so sad. i’m so sad. i’m so fucking ridiculously awfully sad. and i don’t want to be. i don’t don’t don’t. but it seems like no matter what i do do do, i’m still sad sad sad. i’m constantly giving up and then minutes later getting back into the battle i never want to be in. it’s really hard, you know? it’s really hard.
there are still songs that i listen to and when i remember where they sit in my memories my mind lurches and my heart lurches and my stomach lurches and every memory that’s ever been hurtful falls into my lap, looking up at me, whispering to me, “i still matter to you.”
and they do! they do. and it’s horrible, it’s really just. it’s SO. IRRITATING. because i don’t want them to matter to me, they just do for some reason. and it’s not that i don’t want them to matter sentimentally, or nostalgically, or that i want them to disappear - to the contrary! i cherish memories so very much - but i just want them to not cripple me in the way they so often do.
i guess i don’t have the option, choice, et cetera. well, whatever.
hello! it’s already april 6th, time is whooshing by; it feels like april fools was just yesterday…
so yesterday wasn’t super duper eventful. i started my period which was horrible (it’s still pretty horrible to be honest ) so i tried to sleep it off but it didn’t really work, and i ended up being awake until almost four a.m., until i finally got some medicine from my mom that put me to sleep. needless to say, i didn’t go to school. i was on a steady stream of medication to try and ease it all day but it didn’t work as good as i’d hoped. c’est la vie.
i spent most of yesterday sleeping, really. when i wasn’t asleep (which, i’m telling you, really wasn’t all that much) i was on tumblr or watching a movie. i watched two really good movies though - one which lead me into today - 10 Things I Hate About You, which was wonderful, and i cried a bit, and heath ledger is amazing, and baby joe was hilarious, and the whole thing was proper cute. then i watched Candy and heath ledger was of course amazing, as per usual, and abbie cornish too was fantastic, and it was a really good film, and i cried a /lot/, haha.
so today hasn’t really been done yet; i haven’t been awake much and whatnot. but i thought i’d post since much probably won’t happen today, but i’ve been doing a lot of thinking.
i’ve come to terms with my problems. this sounds really, really fucking weird. but anyway. there’s definitely something wrong, like, in the mental regions or whatever. so i’m working on that. i’ve sort of thought up a process, but not really, and i should probably put it down to make it finalized since my thoughts are where things are a bit cluster-y right now.
basically, i need to 1. pinpoint the “problems,” then 2. think of logical and feasible ways to “solve” them (this will probably take a while) and 3. go about “solving” them (this too). i’ve stopped talking to a few people that i feel are a part of this, and it’s really hard because i miss them so very much. i have to do the process with them, too, and i know it’s going to be difficult because ~confrontation~ and probably multiple really uncomfortable face-to-face talks.
i feel like this will be a really big stepping stone to like. i don’t know. but i feel like it will be a really big stepping stone for something, so i’m going to try my best. i know it will be hard but i think if it goes well it will be worth it, or at least will be that stepping stone i need to move on to that something that lies ahead.
anyway. that’s all for now!
thanks for reading if you have and for reading in the future if you’re do; you’re beautiful.
[click here for prime reading experience!]
so, i haven’t used this in quite a while, but i figure it’s time again, and i’ve thought of a much different way to go about it.
i’m currently going through a sort of time of self evaluation and assessment. i’m doing a lot of personal “this is for me” type of emotional and mental things, and i’ll probably go into this more while i blog through it, but for now just know that it’s because i’m trying to be happier, and overall better and satisfied.
i came to the conclusion that i spend a lot of time doing things that have a negative effect on my mood, and not enough time on things that have a positive effect. this blog was one of the things that had a positive effect on my mood, and a really big one at that, because i love blogging, and memories, and what a great way to combine the two. so i’ve though i should start it up again.
before i did it maybe once a week, and it was a lot of work because a lot can happen in a week. so i’ve decided that now i’ll do it once a day, or every other day f nothing much has been happening. shorter time span equals less to report, i figure!
i hope to document a lot more and get a lot more out of my system in a hopefully positive way and to have this be something i can look back on and remember the struggles that led through to good triumphs.
so! that’s basically it, i think? and that’ll be all for today, since this is the most important of anything else. thanks for reading now and in the future if you do, for coming on this sort of “journey” with me, and for being overall wonderful people.
feel free to leave messages or whatever else in response to anything, any time.
let’s get this show on the road.
hi! i know i said i was going to leave these two july posts a few days apart, but tomorrow is august and this isn’t very long so i decided to go ahead and post it now since i had it written and err thang. enjoy!
tesuday, the 17th, i went to check the mail and found two HUGE vases of flowers beneath a sign that said “FREE FLOWERS” in the mail kiosk. i couldn’t let the little babies wilt - most people are unaware of my green thumb - so i went ahead and saved them.
they were pretty stuffed into those two vases, so i seperate them out into nine smaller vases (there was quite a ton of flowers!) and left the decorative leaves in the two vases i’d found and put them out on the bridge.
they made my room smell so lovely~
saturday, the 21st, i went to my friend E’s house to spend the night! it was a really good time; there was drinking of coffee/tea, snacking late at night, tumblring, watercolor painting, sleeping, photographing, and fun-ing.
i love her, she’s fantastic, and i don’t get to see her often so i was really happy to spend the days with her that i could. here’s one of the many selfies we took whilst together (my favorite because i’m only partially there).
besides those two events, nothing much as happened. a lot of people have been out of town and such so i’ve just been sitting at home minding my own and stuff. reading.
i’ve actually mostly been reading this past week for school - we get summer assignments at my school - though luckily i should be finishing that by tomorrow or thursday. the one i have for english, anyway. sadly i have one for art history, as well. going to be reading in all of my free time for the next week. boo.
today, tesuday/july 31st, J, H, and me ran some errands - winne dixie to get a cake for my nana, gas station to get gas and snacks - and also went to Dots! a very cute little clothing store where i got some shorts and panties and a bra, and my sister got a shirt and panties as well.
and! we ended up bumping into our close friend K and her kid Jay when we were going for lunch at subway! it’s been a while since we’ve seen her because she’s moved far out recently. so we decided to stick together for the rest of the errands! we went to walmart so she could get a car charger and me and my sister could renew our phone service.
then we went to my grandparents and hung out with them for a while because they’re fantastic. my nana was really happy with her cake, and my grandpa was picking on me as usual - telling me he’s going to do afro circus at my wedding and informing me i’m next in our genetic line to have twins. it was a fun time.
after seeing my grandparents we went to K’s mom’s house so she could give her an external drive with some files, and after that split up. J and H went to do a bit of shopping whilst me and K and her son went to amscot and then plato’s closet so she could buy a new bag and a jacket.
well, that’s it! i told ya there wasn’t too too much.
i have a lot happening right up until the start of school on the 13th, so expect more (interesting) updates! thanks for reading if you did, and don’t be a stranger~
hello all~ this posts covers from the 2nd to the 8th! enjoy!
so, the day i posted last my dad actually went to the store and got me a little gift when he was out - miso soup! original miso with tofu chunks and little strips of nori! i didn’t make it that day or i would’ve added it to the last post, but i did make it later with some potato bread and noodles. i’ve had miso once before and really liked it so i was really excited. it was pretty yummy!
the next thing that happened after that was july 4th (independence day)! for july 4th i went to my grandparents’ house with my mom, dad, sister, and sister’s boyfriend. while we were there a ton of my family ended up going as well - three aunts, five or six cousins, one uncle - but it was a great time nonetheless! i didn’t take a ton of pictures cause i spent a lot of time sitting talking with my nana and mom, and then the rest of the time eating/swimming. but i did document my nana’s famous daquiris, which were absolutely delicious! strawberry & mango/peach! i need to learn her recipie for sure.
thursday/friday (the 6th and 7th) i met up with my friend Ash and spent the night over there. we had a good ol’ time. we didn’t do a ton - went to game stop and bought this game Folklore which we played a shitton and it was pretty fun but some parts were a little tedious - but i did have a great time playing Journey, and eating some amazing hershey’s cake pie thing.
so after leaving ash’s on friday (the sixth) i met up with my sister, J, and her boyfriend, H, and we went out to eat! we went to a place close by that now goes by Koywon Buffet (previously crazy buffet, and even more in the past asian buffet) and of course i took pictures there. hit the sushi bar and then the regular food bar and then the fruit & desert bar. in total, like three plates. i was completely stuffed but it was SO worth it. i love asian cuisine so much.
after eating we went to the movies and saw Cabin In The Woods!
J & H have already seen it but i really wanted to see it and nothing else was playing at the time so they came and watched it too. we didn’t sit together though and i actually really enjoyed seeing it alone, (despite a noisy party a few rows back and to the left) so i plan on going to see movies by myself in the theatre more often. Cabin In The Woods was such a good film, by the way. i highly highly highly suggest seeing it.
saturday, the seventh, A came over and we had a jam-packed day
first we went to thrift where i got a shirt and shorts and she got clothes too. we had a seriously great time looking around at thrift, because they always have an interesting plethora of clothing there.
and then we went to starbucks where i had a coffee and she had a yogurt. also i bought some great gum from there! it was really good, and i am now using the little case it came in to keep money in. win/win situation, as usual at starbucks.
after starbucks we headed to the mall. A got her mom a birthday gift from bath and body works, then we did our usual route (FYE, Forever 21, H&M, Teavana, back to B&N) but didn’t make any purchases. a nice little look around, though. they had some nice things but not what we were really looking for. (i was actually on a mission for new clothes but with lack of money lolol)
then we went to plato’s closet where i bought another pair of shorts! and part of my mission was to be finding shorts so it was really great and they were super cheap. woohoo second hand shopping!
after this we went to an antique store plaza by A’s house and looked around. at this point i was out of money but A still had money and ended up buying an adorable powder blue suitcase from the 60’s for 15$ and change. so adorable.
THEN we went to the B&N at the mall by A’s place, and sat and read a bit there before heading back to her house (no purchases as we were both broke at this point) and just went back to her house and did our usual tumblies and talkies before sleeping.
sunday the 8th, part one! so, me and A woke up and laid around for a while, and then went to good will where she got two button up shirts and i got a lovely white skirt! i also saw a friend from school there that i haven’t seen in a while, which was a pleasent surprise!
after that we went to Boba Tea CO. and she got her usual green tea with boba and i got mango tea with boba before she went ahead and took me home so i could get ready for part two of sunday.
sunday part 2! C’s birthday party.
so this is another reason why i was shopping for clothing; i haven’t gotten new clothes in a long time and i wanted to look at least decent and i didn’t feel i looked decent in like all of the clothes i had so i begged for some money and got the cheapest things possible but luckily i really really loves them, so all was well
anyway. i didn’t really take pictures at the party (as in i didn’t take any, not even one!!!!) unfortunately. i didn’t really have my phone out cause i didn’t want anyone to feel like i was ignoring my company and paying more attention to who i was texting - also i was only texting A so it was alright. i had a really great time though!
we played a shitton of mortal combat, started a unicorn shaped puzzle of unicorns, ate shawarma, as well as red velevet cake with pocky (it was a sea urchin) and watched a very…interesting…movie called The Holy Mountain.
i was really happy to see C again cause we haven’t seen eachother in a while, (as in forever) and he really liked my gift which is really good cause i spent AGES on it.
marceline is harder to draw than i thought she’d be
well that’s all for now! sorry again about technical difficulties, i hope the sozai made up for the lack of pictures and made it so that this wasn’t completely just a block of text
thanks for reading if you did!
hello! so i still don’t have phone service and because of the fact that i don’t know when i’ll be getting back (we’ve had a lot of expenses lately and they keep on comin’) i’ve decided i’ll go ahead and starting making the posts without the pictures from there, and just try to insert as many as i have from other sources (which isn’t a lot at all).
i plan to start posting things as of tomorrow, and probably will posts a couple of posts throughout the week to get ‘caught up’ to august.
my apologies and i hope i can sneakily insert those pictures as soon as i get the chance!